Brother

Yesterday I witnessed a sunset at sunrise.  I stood next to my brother who was somewhere between life and death.  The ventilator filled his lungs over and over.  Machines beeped and hummed.  It had been a long night of waiting for something to happen.  I looked out the window and the world which had been dark, was showing some color.  Sunbeams started to venture out from behind the mountain and then a brightness filled the room.  The world outside was waking, but he was not.  I stood quietly watching and thinking to myself the irony of that moment.

His life was hard.  He was bi-polar and started to self medicate which led to addiction.  He struggled with this throughout his adult life.  I don't know how many times I thought to myself that its just not fair.  Why does he have to have all these struggles.  He so wanted to be clean and stable, and was at times.   During those brief respites we got to see our brother.  The person we knew when he was a young kid.  He was kind and considerate.  He was affectionate and social. Why do some people have to handle so much hardship over and over.  His thought and actions were impulsive due to the swings of his moods.  Agency is not always black and white when your thoughts and feelings are unstable.  I don't know if I will ever understand it fully.

His whole family gathered in the ICU.  He would at times say that his family didn't love him.  We always loved him.  We took turns by his bedside sometimes all together, and other times alone.  I watched the emotions of each person swing from one end of the spectrum to the other.  Sorrow, I felt sorrow.  I also felt an intense love for him that I never realized I was capable of.  We were all there when he died peacefully and just moments before the medical staff was to stop his life support.  My mom said she felt it was his gift to us.    

I've never experienced the random emotions that I have felt in the last 24 hours.  In one moment I hope and pray that he is happy and free of the chains that bound him in this life.  The next moment I think that we can never have a family picture again because it would not be complete.  Then I am sad and even angry that his little baby girl will not know her father.  Then I think about how much he loved fireworks as I hear them going off outside.  Then the sorrow.  I'm all over the place.  People say that it gets easier with time.  I'm sure it will.   I hope he somehow sees/knows the outpouring of love and sadness that has been expressed on his behalf.  Yes Shawn you will be missed, by many.  I hope he is in the loving arms of those family members and friends that have passed before him.   I am grateful for the faith I have in life after death.  Its such a comfort to know that its just time that separates us.