Last Class

I made it to the last class.  I'm already a week and a half behind.  4 kids at home, school, and work don't balance very well.  Fortunately the end is near.  So it may be a few weeks before I get back on the blogging bandwagon.  See you in a few.

I'm in need of help - Design wise

I am not talented when it comes to interior design.  I just don't have it.  Its okay everyone, I completely accept this about myself.  So the fall out is that nothing really changes in my home.  Its kind a blank slate. 

Recently Peter and I found a wall entertainment unit that we really liked.  In the showroom it was a medium brown color with lots of lighter high lights.  Similar to our floors.  We thought it would fit well in our home.  When we built our home it was at the end of the light wood era and I with my lack of forsight to see what trends were coming did the light wood cabinets and wood work in my home.   I have been paying for it ever since. The cabinets are very nice and expensive.  They aren't going anywhere for sometime.   I have tried to introduce some darker tones in my house  with the new floors but I have no idea if that is even acceptable in the design world.

When our unit arrived it appears quite a bit darker than the model.  I asked about it and they said that sometimes the stain varies but it only comes in that color.  I know lighting, paint color (or lack of in my house), and other variables affect the tones.  So here it is in my living room.  I really like it but question if it goes with anything.  I don't want random pieces that aren't cohesive.  Of course Peter is out of town and not here to give an opinion.   There are plans to paint same color as down stairs for those who have been in my home.   I have 1 day to decide if I want to return it and keep looking.  It seems really dark and its three tones of wood in my house.  It doesn't seem to fit.  That is my inclination.  But, I will put it out there for those who are actually good at decorating to guide me in my decision.  Please leave a comment and give your advice.  I really need it.  I NEED it.

In the picture you can see the unit, my floors, and the rail.  The cabinets are the same color as the rail on the opposite side of the room.  Front door closed on first, open on second. 

Transformation

I had an experience on Sunday.  I have been debating whether to write it down for two reasons.  One, I'm not sure that I have the ability to express it in words, and two, its very personal.  I guess I decided to try and express my experience because it changed my view, a new lens so to speak.  I also thought that although a personal moment for me, its probably something that happens to many in one way or another. 

I was sitting in our Sacrament service at church with the kids.  Peter sits on the stand because he is part of the bishopric or leadership of the congregation.  On this day there was a new baby being blessed.  I watched as this new young father carried his little girl forward.  Those that had been invited by the family to gather round her for the blessing were coming as well.  There was a large group and I wondered if they would all be able to fit.  I bowed my head as the blessing began.  This young father was nervous and stumbled with his words.  It made me glance up at the group for a moment.  I saw a man standing just outside the circle gathered around her.  He had been asked to be there but not a family member or friend.  He had one arm on the shoulder of the stranger next to him, and the other reaching in to support the baby.  He had stood back a bit to make room for the family members of the baby.  His eyes were closed in prayer.  The expression on his face was humble, faithful.  His stature was at ease yet something about him commanded my attention.

It caught my breath and I was instantly overwhelmed with....emotion.

There stood a man that seemed a stranger, yet my partner of 20 years.  A man of faith, a servant, with a confidence and depth about him that I had not seen before.  I know him better than any other, and maybe that is why I hadn't observed it before.  There was a change that I had missed.  It must have happened slowly a little at a time, a transformation.  There was a glow about him that I will never forget, almost like a window from heaven had opened up and poured out blessings, knowledge, and light upon him.  I now see him in that new light, with a different lens, as a spouse, a father, and a shepherd. 

Spring...?

According to the calendar its Spring.  Someone forgot to tell mother nature.  Nonetheless, springtime activities go on.  I've had a lot to say lately so I'll post pictures instead.  Enjoy.

 The boys had a great piano recital.  We were so proud of them.

Patiently waiting for the Easter egg hunt to begin at the Midway Manor.

Go!

Easter Morning

This was a rough day for me.  I fell down the stairs. When you are old like me, you don't recover quite as quickly from a tumble down the stairs.  My back and shoulder were very sore and I reached up to get something out of the cupboard and the cocoa fell out. When it hit the counter the lid popped off.  How lucky was I that Peter was there to capture me in my PJ's with no makeup and cocoa tan on one half of my body.  Cocoa powder is hard to clean off walls, floors, counters, clothing, and people.

I emptied the room, oh yes, I did.

So life with my 7 year old has been a bit of a struggle this year.  I've mentioned before how much I love her drive and independence.  Well it can also work against her.  You see she has decided to go the path of greatest resistance in all things but especially getting up and getting ready in the morning.  Every day its a fight, tantrum, crying, and mad rush not to be late on her part. Most  Every day, she doesn't get breakfast, comb her hair, or get her teeth brushed before school. She is putting shoes and socks on in the car, and sometimes her clothes.  There has also been a lot of talk back to mom and dad.  A month or so ago I told her I would clear out her room if she pushed it past my breaking point.  Well today she did. I even gave her a warning which she chose not to heed.

So the clear out began.  It actually doubled as Spring cleaning but I won't let her in on that.  We got some packing boxes and started loading books, toys, stuffed animals, art work from the walls, notebooks, and well anything else left in the room.  The crying was exceedingly great. I am the MEANEST mom in the WORLD.  I debated the furniture.  Initially I had planned to take it too, but to be honest, I was tired and did not have anywhere to put it. I rationalized that since she helped me pack up some of it I would leave it for now. She also volunteered to vacuum so she got the choice between earning her pillow or her blankie for being cooperative.  She chose the blankie. I also gave her an ultimatum on the clothing.  For now its in her drawers.  She has two days to demonstrate an effort to get up and get ready in the morning before a certain time.  If she chooses not to cooperate then she will lose those too.  She gets really upset if I chose her clothing so this is big.  If she loses her clothes I will set an outfit out in the morning (of my choosing) and she needs to get upstairs in time to get ready.  If she doesn't then she goes to school in her PJ's. She can earn back one thing at a time as she shows she is willing to follow the rules each day. 

Am I the meanest mom in the world?  I know it seems really strict but nothing, I mean NOTHING has motivated her.  And I figure if we don't break this cycle now it will just get worse.  I would love some feedback or suggestions if you have had some success with this type of stuff. 

On the bright side, her room has never been so clean :)

Skittles and Snow

I had to work today and when I got home I had the need to empty my bladder.  I went in and closed the door and within 10 seconds I hear "Mom?"  Rather annoyed I say "what!"  (in my head asking myself the question that I ask myself every time I enter the bathroom.  Why can't I pee in peace?  Why does the sound of the bathroom door closing summon all the children to my room).  So I hear in a sweet voice "Mom, would you like a skittle?  In a more humbled tone "No thank you sweetheart, but thank you for asking".  I'll take the little victory of sharing even if its under the bathroom door.

The back is a hot mess today.  So shortly after that came the muscle relaxer and pain med cocktail.  I rested and watched out my window as the sleet turned to snow, then heavy snow, falling fast and furious.  It was a beautiful sight.  Far away were thoughts that its almost mid-April, Spring Break, and clean up.  I just relaxed and watched, mesmerized by the rhythm of the flakes falling down.  Sometimes its nice to be forced to stop, relax (with a little help), and take in the beauty that is around us.  Here's to hoping this high lasts a little longer.

Something on my mind

There has been something on my mind of late.  I don't know why its coming back now, but its there lurking in my head, mostly at night when I'm trying to go to sleep.  Its an experience I had years ago.  I learned some very valuable lessons and often wish I had responded differently then.

I was still pretty young, only a few years into my career.  But having success in my field.  We were living in Boston.  I had worked at several different medical centers including Mass Eye and Ear, New England Medical Center, and ended up at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center.  The group of people I worked with were nothing less than fantastic.  I learned from these professionals, I soaked up every opportunity I could to improve, and I was lucky.  Here I was this young lady from the West with little life experience, living it up in Boston.  Although my career was going well, I always kept an eye on positions back home.  They were few and far between and I knew that one day we would probably want to be closer to family. 

I had just had my first child and was on maternity leave.  I had sent off an application a few weeks earlier for an academic position at the U.  It was a whim and I never expected to hear from them.  But I got a call and they had listed me in their top 3 and wanted to fly me out for an interview.  My first thought was, Yes!  a free trip home.  But then, I also imagined myself working there and what my future might look like.  It would be wonderful to have my son growing up around his extended family.  I could use a little of that too.

The Dept Chair arranged to meet me at a small breakfast/coffee house near the campus.  It was the first of many interviews that day with key department members.  As I walked in and found myself in a little book lounge area with books that had topics focussing lifestyles, very different from my own.  The Dept. Chair came over and introduced herself to me and we had light conversation before sitting down to eat.  She asked about a variety of things, interests, work experiences, etc... then out of the blue she looked at me and gestured over to the book area and asked what I thought about the place we were eating in.  I was honest and said it was very good food, fun atmosphere.  She questioned again wanting more detail.  So I said, Its a nice place, highlighting an alternative side of the state.  She smiled and seemed satisfied with that response.    I left a bit perplexed but undeterred to do well the rest of the day.

My next interview was with another faculty member who had been there only a year.  She started out our conversation asking if I had grown up in the State.  I replied yes, and she said something to the effect of well then you understand the culture here?  I hesitantly said, yes.  She then went on discussing her thoughts of living in this state, things I would have to watch out for, etc.  I think she asked me about my professional experiences, but it was secondary to her main focus of discussion.  Ultimately, she implied that she figured I was of the dominant religion and that the University was not from that school of thought and would that be a problem?  I treaded lightly here and indicated that I was familiar with the University and thought I could fit in well.  I walked away wondering if that were really the case.

My third interview was a slap in the face.  I was told to sit, asked a few questions about my professional goals, and then the tone shifted.  This professor sat forward, looked me in the eye, and said some things that made my jaw want to drop.  He said that he knew that I grew up in the area, and then said, I'm not supposed to ask you what religion you are, so I am going to assume that you are a member of the church.  I know that in that church women are told and taught to be subservient to men.  This department has several men in it.  Are you going to act subservient to them?  He then said a few more things about his feelings about the LDS faith. His words stung me.  I could feel the anger starting to build.  I remained calm and said that I didn't know what he was talking about.  Never in MY life had I been taught to be subserviant to men or women or anyone.  I told him that I thought my mother was one of the greatest women I had ever known and that she taught her children to be strong, independent people.  He sat back, grunted, and eyed me for a bit.  He then thanked me and reached out to shake my hand.  Numb now, I returned the gesture and walked out.  I hate that I did that.

In disbelief I entered my last interview.  Interestingly he didn't mention one word about my religion, where I grew up, or my views on the aformentioned.  He asked me about my career path, goals, probed for thoughts about what my views were on methods of teaching.  Unfortunately, at that point, I didn't want to be employed there anymore, my mind realing, my words jumbled.  Later, I found out that he was the only member on the faculty that WAS a member of the church that came up so frequently.  The only one who remained professional and didn't care what my religion was.

I couldn't wait to leave.  I was speechless.  And then, I buried it away.

Years later, I think of the things I should have done.  I should have picked up the phone on that mans desk and called HR right then and reported him.  I should have contacted an attorney.  I should have not have had to defend myself in that mannor.  I should have walked away from the first moment I felt uncomfortable.  I should have told them what I felt inside.  I should have said it with ferver and intensity that left no question as to who I was and what I belived.  I learned what it feels like to be discriminated against.  There have been many encounters, comments, and conversations about who I am.  I have always tried to take them with perspective, to educate, and to show respect.  But this experience taught me. It taught me what hate feels like.  It taught me to be a strong, independent woman.