Love. Its another topic that's been rumbling around in my head lately. I've been struggling with this topic my whole life. Not feeling love, but expressing love. I don't know why. All I know is my lack of skill in this area can have an impact on those around me. Its something that I have to practice at times when my instinct is to pull away.
I've grown up surrounded by love. From childhood to now. I have great examples around me. But there are many times I come up short. Especially with my spouse and kids. Thank heavens my spouse makes up for my shortcomings. What is Love anyway? To me its a feeling you have that is evoked by another. That feeling is varied but usually includes unconditional acceptance, joy, warmth, security, and more. Its forms are countless: physical, verbal, written, and sometimes just a look or smile can convey love. I think where I struggle most is with physical expression of love. Mostly when I'm frustrated or upset. Children can do things that make us frustrated or upset but it doesn't change our love for them. The question is, how do I make them feel loved when I am frustrated or even angry with their actions?
I really need to figure this one out soon. When kids are little its easy to feel frustration and then set it aside. Children act on impulse and we know that they cannot always control the things they do or say. But when they get older, they understand the difference between right and wrong, they understand words are hurtful. But maybe impulse control is still hard to come by. I know, I still struggle with this. I have a quick temper. Only problem is that I am the mom now. My response is the one that determines the outcome.
I remember something my dad did when I was growing up. My dad too, had a quick temper at times. He would get upset and I would be so mad at him. He did something though that helped me understand the feelings in his heart. He would always come to me later and tell me how much he loved me. When we were both calm. So, I do this too. I might lose my temper and throw my own tantrum but I always regret my actions. When things are calm again, I express my love, and apologize for my behavior. Its not easy as a parent to go into a child's room when they are angry or sad and quietly express love. I make myself do it because they need to know how I really feel. I just wish I could skip the whole tantrum part in the middle.
Some things I want to work on: using a touch or embrace more often to express my feelings, forgiveness, service to my own family, more verbal expressions of love.
What do you do to express love when you just don't feel like it? I'm open to learning some new things.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
A bit about In-Laws
Lately I've been thinking a bit about in-laws. Peter's parents have been serving a mission in Sweden. This is their second church mission there. They are coming home next week and we are so excited to see them again. With their return so close, I have been reflecting a bit on our 20 year history together.
I'm going to let some of you in on a little secret. I probably was not the girl my father and mother in law would have liked their first born son to marry. Why, you might ask? Bull in a china shop.
Peter and I were close friends for a long time before we dated and it took a lot of convincing to get me to look at our relationship with new perspective. My family had dubbed me with the title "ice queen" due to my lack of enthusiasm with dating at the time. Really, I just hated the games. It was refreshing to have a man become my closest friend and not have to worry about the "relationship part". Well, that worked for awhile. And then it didn't. And so we tried to move on. I know his parents probably counseled him to move on too. I was stuck. So he did, and well I was a tad jealous of his new jail bait and that's all it took to melt some ice. I'm sure his parents were wondering why/how I was working my way back onto the scene again. But I did.
Bull in a china shop. It's the perfect description of how I felt the first few times I met his mom. They lived out of state so we actually only met just a few times before we got married. My first impression of my mother-in-law was how quiet and proper she was. I was not. I was outspoken and raucous. I'm sure our first few visits were jarring for them. My sarcasm sort of hung in the air at times. They were gracious. I started to worry if I would ever be able to fit into this new family.
The first five or so years of marriage we only saw them once or twice a year. Peter and I had moved across the country and so I did OK during those few weeks a year that we spent significant time with our families. Then his parents retired and moved out west. We finished school and moved back too.
New dilemma. How to contain my mouth. I think one of the things Peter liked about me was my outgoing personality. I think the reality of that started to sink in once we all were spending quality time with each other. My father-in-law taught political science for years. Debating theoretical position is second nature. In the middle of a conversation he might throw in a debatable statement that would stop me short. It was like an itch that had to be scratched. Peter would glance at me sideways... let it go... but I just couldn't. I had to voice my opinion and Peter would start to slowly sink down...yeah. So lets just say there have been many times during those years we loaded up the car after spending time with my in-laws and I was assessing the damage I may have caused as we pulled down the driveway. Something like this...
Well, that was a good visit
uh, huh
Did I say anything too obnoxious?
Just a few things...
or
Um honey, I think I might have upset your dad/mom...
Why, what did you say
Well, your dad/mom did the raised eyebrow fake smile thing when I said this...
great.
Until one day. We were visiting and having a lively discussion about something and I thought I had pushed it too far. I found myself apart from the main room and my mother-in-law came up to me and said something to me that changed everything. I can't quite remember exactly but she quietly said "I've wanted to say that and I'm so glad you did". She smiled at me and I knew that she loved me despite my many flaws. She understood. I was analyzing every irreverent thing I had said for years. Yet all along they had accepted me for who I was and even loved me for it too.
So I had a new perspective on my in-laws. I even found that I might be a lot like my father-in-law. We both like to stir the pot to liven up the discussion. Even if its not on purpose. So some of those debatable statements were just that. I took the bait, hook, line, and sinker. Still do, but its fun now because we love each other even if we agree to disagree.
Now I look back over the years and see the relationships how they have grown as I have matured. I see how patient and loving my in-laws were with my lack of impulse control at times. I've watched my father-in-law teach, direct, and guide his children with love. I've watched my mother-in-law nurture, accept, and guide her children with love. I've even watched her throw a zinger into the conversation at times while my chest swelled with pride. I miss them. I'm so excited to pick up where we left off and see what else comes next.
I guess this was a long winded way to say I'm lucky to have the in-laws I do. So very lucky.
I'm going to let some of you in on a little secret. I probably was not the girl my father and mother in law would have liked their first born son to marry. Why, you might ask? Bull in a china shop.
Peter and I were close friends for a long time before we dated and it took a lot of convincing to get me to look at our relationship with new perspective. My family had dubbed me with the title "ice queen" due to my lack of enthusiasm with dating at the time. Really, I just hated the games. It was refreshing to have a man become my closest friend and not have to worry about the "relationship part". Well, that worked for awhile. And then it didn't. And so we tried to move on. I know his parents probably counseled him to move on too. I was stuck. So he did, and well I was a tad jealous of his new jail bait and that's all it took to melt some ice. I'm sure his parents were wondering why/how I was working my way back onto the scene again. But I did.
Bull in a china shop. It's the perfect description of how I felt the first few times I met his mom. They lived out of state so we actually only met just a few times before we got married. My first impression of my mother-in-law was how quiet and proper she was. I was not. I was outspoken and raucous. I'm sure our first few visits were jarring for them. My sarcasm sort of hung in the air at times. They were gracious. I started to worry if I would ever be able to fit into this new family.
The first five or so years of marriage we only saw them once or twice a year. Peter and I had moved across the country and so I did OK during those few weeks a year that we spent significant time with our families. Then his parents retired and moved out west. We finished school and moved back too.
New dilemma. How to contain my mouth. I think one of the things Peter liked about me was my outgoing personality. I think the reality of that started to sink in once we all were spending quality time with each other. My father-in-law taught political science for years. Debating theoretical position is second nature. In the middle of a conversation he might throw in a debatable statement that would stop me short. It was like an itch that had to be scratched. Peter would glance at me sideways... let it go... but I just couldn't. I had to voice my opinion and Peter would start to slowly sink down...yeah. So lets just say there have been many times during those years we loaded up the car after spending time with my in-laws and I was assessing the damage I may have caused as we pulled down the driveway. Something like this...
Well, that was a good visit
uh, huh
Did I say anything too obnoxious?
Just a few things...
or
Um honey, I think I might have upset your dad/mom...
Why, what did you say
Well, your dad/mom did the raised eyebrow fake smile thing when I said this...
great.
Until one day. We were visiting and having a lively discussion about something and I thought I had pushed it too far. I found myself apart from the main room and my mother-in-law came up to me and said something to me that changed everything. I can't quite remember exactly but she quietly said "I've wanted to say that and I'm so glad you did". She smiled at me and I knew that she loved me despite my many flaws. She understood. I was analyzing every irreverent thing I had said for years. Yet all along they had accepted me for who I was and even loved me for it too.
So I had a new perspective on my in-laws. I even found that I might be a lot like my father-in-law. We both like to stir the pot to liven up the discussion. Even if its not on purpose. So some of those debatable statements were just that. I took the bait, hook, line, and sinker. Still do, but its fun now because we love each other even if we agree to disagree.
Now I look back over the years and see the relationships how they have grown as I have matured. I see how patient and loving my in-laws were with my lack of impulse control at times. I've watched my father-in-law teach, direct, and guide his children with love. I've watched my mother-in-law nurture, accept, and guide her children with love. I've even watched her throw a zinger into the conversation at times while my chest swelled with pride. I miss them. I'm so excited to pick up where we left off and see what else comes next.
I guess this was a long winded way to say I'm lucky to have the in-laws I do. So very lucky.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
A lovely Miracle
Miracles do happen. This is my Erin. See I told you, here is that future 16 year old I talked about before... Notice a few things, cute outfit (she picked out), beautiful hair (she let me curl), and a smile.
She gave the best Christmas present under the tree. About a week before Christmas a little paper box was placed under the tree. This box is one you make out of folding paper. She informed me that this was a gift to me from her. On Christmas morning she carefully handed me the box and told me to open it. Her gift was a beautiful simple note saying she would get up in the morning and get ready for school. I read it and said "really?" she nodded yes and came over and gave me a big hug. Guess what? She has been ready for school every day with a smile. It must have taken a lot for this little girl to make a complete turn around on her own. A priceless gift. I love this kiddo.
She gave the best Christmas present under the tree. About a week before Christmas a little paper box was placed under the tree. This box is one you make out of folding paper. She informed me that this was a gift to me from her. On Christmas morning she carefully handed me the box and told me to open it. Her gift was a beautiful simple note saying she would get up in the morning and get ready for school. I read it and said "really?" she nodded yes and came over and gave me a big hug. Guess what? She has been ready for school every day with a smile. It must have taken a lot for this little girl to make a complete turn around on her own. A priceless gift. I love this kiddo.
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