Love. Its another topic that's been rumbling around in my head lately. I've been struggling with this topic my whole life. Not feeling love, but expressing love. I don't know why. All I know is my lack of skill in this area can have an impact on those around me. Its something that I have to practice at times when my instinct is to pull away.
I've grown up surrounded by love. From childhood to now. I have great examples around me. But there are many times I come up short. Especially with my spouse and kids. Thank heavens my spouse makes up for my shortcomings. What is Love anyway? To me its a feeling you have that is evoked by another. That feeling is varied but usually includes unconditional acceptance, joy, warmth, security, and more. Its forms are countless: physical, verbal, written, and sometimes just a look or smile can convey love. I think where I struggle most is with physical expression of love. Mostly when I'm frustrated or upset. Children can do things that make us frustrated or upset but it doesn't change our love for them. The question is, how do I make them feel loved when I am frustrated or even angry with their actions?
I really need to figure this one out soon. When kids are little its easy to feel frustration and then set it aside. Children act on impulse and we know that they cannot always control the things they do or say. But when they get older, they understand the difference between right and wrong, they understand words are hurtful. But maybe impulse control is still hard to come by. I know, I still struggle with this. I have a quick temper. Only problem is that I am the mom now. My response is the one that determines the outcome.
I remember something my dad did when I was growing up. My dad too, had a quick temper at times. He would get upset and I would be so mad at him. He did something though that helped me understand the feelings in his heart. He would always come to me later and tell me how much he loved me. When we were both calm. So, I do this too. I might lose my temper and throw my own tantrum but I always regret my actions. When things are calm again, I express my love, and apologize for my behavior. Its not easy as a parent to go into a child's room when they are angry or sad and quietly express love. I make myself do it because they need to know how I really feel. I just wish I could skip the whole tantrum part in the middle.
Some things I want to work on: using a touch or embrace more often to express my feelings, forgiveness, service to my own family, more verbal expressions of love.
What do you do to express love when you just don't feel like it? I'm open to learning some new things.
Lara, I feel the same way you do sometimes. I too have a short temper and I always say that I got my short temper from my dad. But I always remember that even though dad would loose his temper he would always feel bad and come and tell us he loves us. I think that's a good think to do with your kids and I'm sure they appreciate it too.
ReplyDeleteWe're very similar, in this way. I have a difficult time expressing my love physically and sometimes verbally. I have to make a conscious effort to do this more because it doesn't come natural for me. This is a good post because it makes me think about things like I would like to do when our kid(s) get older. Even now, however, I have gotten angry or frustrated and had to apologize to Ashton so hopefully I'm making it a good habit. Being parent is being human and I think it's important for us to acknowledge when we make a mistake to them.
DeleteHave you read the Five Love Languages? I'm sure you have, but it's always good to review. It has really helped to change my life because I am able to identify how other people receive love more easily and try to then focus on what would be best for that individual. Otherwise, I have no suggestions, Mark makes it easy because he patiently reminds me if I forget something that helps him feel loved.
ReplyDeleteI have struggled with my temper my whole life (I broke a window after chucking a brush at it in a fit of temper when I was 12), and I still throw tantrums with my children more than I'd like to admit. After I throw my tantrums (during which Jacob tells me we're not supposed to throw them), and I've calmed down, I give my kids big hugs and kisses, then apologize and explain why I was so angry without placing the blame on their shoulders too much. For example, I explained to the kids that their screaming over toys at 5:30 in the morning made me upset because I had been up all night with the baby, and, I'm sorry I yelled, but they need to be sure to be quieter in the early morning. Hugs and kisses, apologies all around, and then we're usually okay. My kids respond to hugs more than anything else.
ReplyDeleteI do exactly what you do, too. If ever I lose my temper and have some sharp words, I be sure to come later and have extra snuggles and chatting time. Hopefully those are the moments that adhere to the memory.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny, though. We're trying a discipline program that I think is just as much for the adults as for the children. It's training me to bite my tongue and keep my emotions in check--skipping over the whole adult tantrum part! :) It's way easier to feel love when I'm not fighting my own feelings of frustration. You might be interested in the psychology of it all. The book we're using is called 123 Magic. It's been fascinating so far.