A gift of words I needed to hear

A gift from scooper that I needed to hear.  I struggle with this and relate all too well.  I wish I could bleep out a word or two but the core of the message is worth listening to.

Photo catch up

I've had a lot to say and therefore have neglected some events this fall.  A photo essay to catch up.

First day of school

Adam singing with the primary choir at general conference.

Regatta

A view from the back steps

Matthew's 14th birthday with friends and family in St. George.

Glimpses

Lately I have had some of those glimpses of the future.  You know, when you look at one of your kids and you suddenly see a teenager or an adult and then they are a kid again.  Its kinda cool and yet kinda freaky too.  My oldest has discovered his hairstyle, hygiene, and girls.  I'm having fun with him and new outlook.  The other day we went to the store and he talked non-stop about whatever thought was moving through his head.  For those of you with teenagers, you know that it seems to be non-stop talking or no talking (aside from the mumbled I don't know) pending the hormonal moment.  I get a lot of info when its talking time... 

Next in line so wants to be older and yet just isn't there and its the daily struggle of enjoying being a kid and wanting to be respected and included by the older brother.  Its been hard to have your big brother move on to Jr. High and suddenly want to have some privacy.  He's adapting.  At the same time its great to see him develop his own talents without influence or comment.

Younger/Older sister is the one that scares me a bit.  I will look at her and suddenly see a 16 year old standing in front of me.  A beautiful, strong willed teenager.  I'm in for it.  But at the same time interested to see what she can do.  She fluctuates between "don't even look at me" and hugs and kisses as she runs by.  I sometimes imagine it amplified to prepare myself.

Little sister is finding her voice.  Baby of the family and working it.  The older version I imagine will be a little dramatic, emotional, and fun.  She will be the girly girl, lots of time in the mirror, and at the mall.  Maybe she will give me a mommy makeover. 

I'm enjoying this phase.

On my way up

So I was a bit in the dumps when I last posted.  Good news that I'm on my way up.  Peter let me have a nice cry and then I decided to move on.  He has been really sick lately and has not been able to help much by way of getting ready for the holidays.  I think the stress of helping one of my kids pass off times tables (this has been top of the stress list due to the tantrums that accompany it each night),  work, kids, and trying to figure out gifts, just left me depleted.  So we talked and decided to keep it simple this year and allow the spirit of this season enter back into our home.  As much as I wanted to get back into sending out holiday cards this year, well its probably not going to happen and I need to be okay with that, again.  Maybe I will post something here or send out an email.  Hopefully loved ones will understand.  We are giving gifts but really its been scaled back and this is such a relief for me.  I also treated myself to some Handel's Messiah, which was key.  There is nothing like turning off the lights, turning on the Christmas tree lights, and playing the Messiah and just feeling the music. 

Waiting for bottom

Tis the season....but I'm struggling.  The thing is, I don't know who reads this blog and just how personal do you get.  Its a journal for me.  But at the same time, its public.  I'm pretty honest and upfront with those around me.  I don't make it a point to go and announce my every thought and feeling.  With that in mind, I am having a hard time feeling the joy.  Its a falling sensation, waiting for bottom but it doesn't seem to be there.  I'm okay.  Really.  Its just annoying.  I need to go put on Handel's Messiah or something...

Just had one of those moments, a little prayer answered.  I stopped typing there for a minute because as soon as the words showed up on the screen, I knew it was what I needed.  When I hear that music and those words, I can partake.  It will be okay, and I won't forget to say another little prayer of gratitude.

Thankful for many things

I'm thankful for many things.  Mostly my family.  I love my husband and children beyond words and I'm so thankful for the little things they do for me every day.  I talk a lot about them here.  But there are some family members I haven't told how much they mean to me.  My siblings.  There are a lot of us.  We get together as a whole family regularly but I live the furthest away from most of them so I don't get to see them much one on one.  I forget to tell them how much they mean to me and what I love about them.  So here I go...

Lisa- My only older sibling who quietly paves the way for the rest of us.  I love that Lisa is kind, gentle, and loving. She is is generous with all that she has.  I love being able to call her and get her feedback on whatever I might need advice on. I am thankful that she loves me the way I am and makes me feel like I matter. 
Jared- We are six years apart in age but he has always seemed older than that to me.  Jared is wise.  He is a thinker and I love watching him observe and process information.  Jared is able to sense when things are off.  Over the years he has come to me and asked me how I am, if things are okay.  I am thankful for that concern and love from him.
Beth-Beth and I have kids the same ages.  I love that I can call her up and arrange spontaneous outings with our kids.  She is great to ask advice and will give me honest feedback.  I love her ability to focus and accomplish the things she sets out to do.  I am thankful that she is my friend as well as my sister.
Aaron-I am thankful that he is who he is.  Its hard to explain really.  Ever since he was a little boy I always felt a connection with him.  He gets me.  He is funny and loving.  He cares and expresses his love regularly in his actions.  I am thankful for his big personality and quiet acts of kindness.
David-  I love his outlook on life.  He is a go getter, and he does just that.  He inspires me to push myself, to think outside the box, to try new things.  He has always been funny in a quiet witty way.  I know that David wants only the best for his family and am thankful for his encouragement and advice.
Shara- We are many years apart but I see so many traits that we have the same. I love that she is straight up with everyone she meets.  She has passion and is willing to make sacrifices to follow it.  She is independent but still needs love and support from her family. I am thankful that she appreciates her family and freely gives her love, friendship, and support to me as well.
Shawn- I went away to college when he was just a little boy.  I loved coming home and he was so excited to see me.  I love that he is willing to try and try again when life gets hard.  I appreciate his efforts to get to know my kids, and inquire how I am.  I am thankful for his insight on his life experiences.  They help me know how to help others. 

If you think about it, family and faith is the core or foundation for everything around us.  I am thankful to have such amazing siblings.  They teach me so much about life and how to live it.  They are my friends and my support.  I am so thankful for them.   

An old photo from my brothers wedding.  My family plus my sis-in-law.  Its the only one I could find with all my brothers and sisters together.

Happy sounds

I was driving along the other day and realized that I had been humming a tune that was stuck in my head.  Then I realized that the two kids I had with me were also making their own music.  Adam was doing some beat box sounds, Brenna singing a song from school.  We were all just making our music together but apart.  Happy sounds that made me smile.

I made her cry...

I love my job, but not today.  It was full of new names of diseases I had never heard of.  Diseases I need to research so that when I see these babies back for testing I have an idea of what to expect and how to help the parents.  Hearing may be one of the minor issues they may be dealing with. 

I also had to tell the parents of a 2 week old baby that their baby has hearing loss and will need hearing aids.  As I explained the results the mother crumbled into tears before me.  It took everything I had to fight back my own until I left for the day.  Then I cried all the way home.

She's got fashion?

Two days a week I leave for work before the kids are up and ready for school.  This leaves getting them ready and off in the morning up to dad.  I usually get everything ready the night before including outfits, lunch, backpacks, etc... so all dad has to do is get them ready, fed, and off to school.  Erin is the exception to this rule.  I have gone to the extent of hiding some of her clothes as to narrow her decisions since she won't let me set clothes out for her on these days.  On this particular day I came home from work and saw her outfit and well had to sigh and take a picture for posterity.

As I have mentioned before my 7 year old does NOT want any advice on fashion from me.  After trying to battle it out over getting dressed I decided that this year she wears whatever she puts on.  I do my best to guide her decisions but as you can see here I lost this battle.  So, lets hope that this look is fashion forward.  I have thought about sending an email to her teacher explaining why my child comes to school dressed this way, uncombed hair at times, eating a pop tart, because she refused to get out of bed until she heard the garage door open and the car starting.  I guess I hope that her teacher is well acquainted with 7 year old stubbornness and parental pick and choose your battle and this is not one of them situations.

Whew...

Just a quick update with hip hop.  Last week I made Adam go (for possibly the last time).  He went into class but his instructor was still in the hall.  I got her attention and mentioned that Adam was not sure he wanted to continue.  She asked why, I told her about being youngest and only boy.  Inside I was saying, please notice him today, tell him great job, inquire about his moves, take an interest.  Thank heavens she heard more than what I said to her.  She did just that.  She mentioned that she wanted to assess his level to see if his skills warranted him being in the class, and suggested he might feel more comfortable in the Beg class with the other boys.  I said I was okay with whatever. 

She watched him closely, complimented his attempts to learn the routine, took an interest.  He was smiling.  After class, she caught him in the hall and had a little chat.   She said that she understood that it was probably hard to be the youngest and only boy in a dance class.  But, he was good enough to be there.  His smile told me he would be staying.  She told him that she would let him choose which class he would like to be in but that the most important thing was that he continued to dance and do the thing that made him happy.  He paused for a minute and said to me, " I know what I'm going to do mom.  I'm going to stay in this class".  Whew.

Daily life

Haven't felt like blogging much.  I guess I want to blog when there is something really on my mind or something cool to say.  But I suppose writing about some of the day to day is okay.  I just need to get used to it. 

Adam takes hip hop.  We have struggled to find something that holds his interest and makes him happy.  Last year he was really into Michael Jackson moves.  He studied them and taught himself a few.  I thought maybe he would like hip hop and convinced him to give it a try.  He did, and he loved it.  Mostly he loved his teacher who made him feel special, and let the kids enjoy dance as they learned new things.  She unexpectedly moved over the Summer.  He was good enough that they moved him to the next level.  He was excited to start in a more advanced class and get his moves on. 

He is the youngest in his group and the only boy.  He was okay with this...until last night.  He isn't thrilled with the new teacher.  She is good, but doesn't have that way of connecting with the kids.  Last night he came out of the dance studio and announced that he hated his class and wanted to quit.  He said its because he doesn't like the teacher, its hard, he is the only boy, and he is the youngest.  He has a good argument.  I told him that you don't quit something you love just because its hard.  He rolled his eyes and big tears started to well up.  He walked away.

I'm sad, because he found something that he was good at, that made him happy, that he loved.  What's a mom to do in this situation? I told him he has to finish out the month because its paid for.  Do you let them quit?  He needs something.  Piano was a no go, Now hip hop.  I guess we just keep trying new things until something else fits.  He had made so much progress this past year with self esteem.  He was always happy after his class.  It made me happy to see him happy.  Time to start something new.

Don't you hate it when...

Your daughter has has an earache for 5 days and you ignore it thinking its related to the molar growing in.  And then on day 6 she is practically in tears and asks you to take her to the doctor to get her ear checked.  So you do, and the doctor says everything looks fine it must be referred pain from her molar.  And on top of this you are an audiologist who doesn't own her own personal otoscope and could have saved the $25 bucks if I had invested in one a long time ago.  And you jokingly say this to the doctor and she says you can come in an use her otoscope anytime... Just tell the nurse she said so. 

Whats your "don't you hate it when..."  story?

Vacation

Since we had to travel to Arizona for my graduation we decided to turn it into our Summer family vacation.  We had a great time despite the hot temperatures and the long drive.  Here are a few photos we took along the way.  We spent the first night in Las Vegas and stopped by the Hoover Dam on our way out of town. 

 Then on to Phoenix for graduation.




Next stop Sedona AZ.  We saw some really beautiful country.  We managed to get in a short hike too.

A quick stop at Sunset Crater Volcano.  Brenna was the only one willing to take a photo.  Maybe if the volcano had been erupting...it would have been more exciting to the rest.

Ceder Breaks, UT  This was a gorgeous area.  We really enjoyed our hike this day

 A very cool looking tree along our hike.

We finally figured out how to use the timer on our camera!

Graduation

I was hoping to post the professional pictures from graduation but it looks like it will be awhile.  So here are a few home grown photos of the big day.  I'm glad that we were required to attend graduation.  It signified the end of a long couple of years of study.  I'm so glad my family was there to celebrate with me.

Hooding

My Family

Me in all the regalia

Slowly finding myself

Well, as the title says, I'm slowly finding myself.  Unwinding if you will.  I read a book!  Not a text!  Awhile ago Peter gave me a Kindle.  I was a bit ungrateful at the time.  You see we had had a discussion a few months earlier discussing the issue of ebooks and how he thought it was such a great thing, and how I really disliked the idea.  I like the feel of a book, pages, a cover to entice you, seeing in on a shelf beckoning you to read it.  Its old fashioned I know, I'm old.  I always wanted a library.  Shelves of books to browse at any given moment.  Something my kids could browse and pull selections from.  I know, I know, its all there online.  NOT the same.  Anyway, so we had this discussion and at the end of it he said how much he would like a kindle, I said how much I really did not want one, and we agreed to disagree.  I was heavy into school and hadn't read a non school book in a year and a half.  It just seemed a waste of money to me.

A few months later on Mother's Day, Peter said he had a surprise.  I opened mother coupons, drawings, and cards from the kids and Peter handed me this gift.  I opened it and it and there it was.  "Oh, thanks" I said.  and immediately got annoyed that he bought it for me after the recalling the conversation we had had.  Maybe I was having a one sided conversation.  Maybe he really wanted it and this was a way to ensure that one was in the house.  When was I going to use it, not for a long time (school remember).  I kinda let my thoughts be obvious.  He stated that he thought I would like it.  Really?  He will push me into things because he likes it and wants me to like it.  Usually they are technology related.  I get enough through him.  I don't need more.  So that annoyed me too.  I can have an opinion and yes it can be different that his.

So classes ended a month ago.  I suddenly had this space in my head.  I picked the thing up.  I irritably asked him how to order a book.  I was not going to read one that was already down loaded.  I pick my own books thank you very much!  I decided to try a new author.  Bought it, downloaded it, (wow, that was easy).  And started reading.  I love to read.  As a teen I would stay up until all hours reading because I had to get to the end of the story.  I read my new book.  I've been carrying my kindle around our whole vacation.  Today, I manned up and ate crow.  I told Peter I was sorry for how I acted, and that I really like my new toy.  He knew I would.  That bothers me just a bit.

So back to finding myself.  I finished the book late last night.  Turned off the light and for the first time in years, felt a little like myself.  I love to read.  I remember this now and I won't forget it.   

Its nice to get away

We recently spent some time with my family at Bear Lake.  It was so nice to get away and just hang out. 

On a different topic, I heard this line from one of the kids movies and I liked it.

"Your choices make you who you are".
I'm sure its been heard before but it stood out to me. I think I want to put it on each of my kids wall so as they walk out each day they can read that and remember it.  Anyone have a creative craft or way to put it on the wall? 

A little ornery

Yep, I'm about to whine, so stop here if you have had your fill already.

Every single person in my house, including me, is ornery.  Hauling wet carpet, pad, furniture, toys, unidentified objects, and bedding from my children's rooms yesterday when the water came pouring in has left us all highly annoyed.  Now, I know that its minor compared to the real flooding going on out there but it still has put everyone on edge. I came home from work today and when the onslaught of crappy attitude came my way I thought to myself, I think I will go back to work.  Unfortunately, I really do have to go back to work because I had a complicated case today that has a mountain of charting that did not get finished because the magic bell went off and said its time for the babysitter to go home.  I can't stay until the work gets done, nooo it doesn't work that way for working mothers.  We get to go back when its later and kids are going to bed to finish our work away from work.

Boy, I'm starting to annoy myself now.

Whine session interrupted by Brenna
 "mom, do you want to see how high I can climb the door way?"
"not really"
"see, this is how high I can climb it"  as she climbs up the door jam
"do you feel like getting me a snack now?"
"not really"  as I decide I better get up and take care of the snack issue before she decides to get her own snack and you all can imagine what that might mean

Okay, session over, move on.

The new me?

I have to be honest, since school ended I have felt a little lost.  Not sure who I am anymore.  You take on this identity for a couple of years of being a student and then it just ends.  I was tired, stressed, and a bit grumpy for an exteded period of time.  Those are not words I would have used to describe myself before.  Can you forget how to be yourself or is this the new me?  I hope not!  Believe it or not people I used to be a bit extroverted, spontaneous, and positive.  Or was this just in my mind...now I'm not sure.

I hope he is okay

So I got in a car accident today.   I have never owned a brand new car until this year.  We have been true savers in buying almost new cars with just a few thousand miles on them for 20 years.  Until this year, we splurged and bought new.  I should have known it would happen.  Murphy's law.

So while it was a huge bummer that the Armada got crunched, it was the least important thing at that moment.  The crash was due to another driver running a stop sign.  I saw him last second and hit the breaks and swerved to the right so that our front corners hit instead of me T-boning his car.  That would have been really bad. 

As soon as we hit and stopped, I checked the kids, they were all okay.  I looked over and saw the other driver, he appeared to be okay.  Called 911 and got out to check on him.  You see, he was an elderly man with an oxygen tank sitting next to him.  As I walked around to his door, I saw his hat.  It was a well worn WW II Veterans hat.  I thought to myself that he HAD to be okay.  I could not stand the thought that I could have killed this great man.  There are so few left and I could have really hurt him.  His head was down.  I asked if he was okay.  He responded yes, but was quite dazed.  I told him I needed to call someone from his family to come and help him.  He pulled out his wallet and started to pull out each little paper with hand written notes on them.  He was shaking.  I gently asked him questioned as I assessed his condition.  Does your chest hurt?  Did you hit the steering wheel?  Are your legs okay?  He responded to each question with  quiet one word responses.  He found a paper with phone numbers, I tried the first two with no response.  The third was faded and I dialed several wrong numbers.  At that point the sheriff arrived and took over.  I didn't get to talk to him again after that.  I expressed my concern about him to the sheriff and he assured me that he would make sure he was alright.

For much of the day, I spoke to insurance people, auto body people, medical claims people, rental car people, lots of people.  Its almost bed time and my mind goes back to him.  I hope he is okay.

done

I just submitted my last final of my last class.  I thought I would feel relieved but I mostly feel depleted.  Maybe it will sink in tomorrow.

Last Class

I made it to the last class.  I'm already a week and a half behind.  4 kids at home, school, and work don't balance very well.  Fortunately the end is near.  So it may be a few weeks before I get back on the blogging bandwagon.  See you in a few.

I'm in need of help - Design wise

I am not talented when it comes to interior design.  I just don't have it.  Its okay everyone, I completely accept this about myself.  So the fall out is that nothing really changes in my home.  Its kind a blank slate. 

Recently Peter and I found a wall entertainment unit that we really liked.  In the showroom it was a medium brown color with lots of lighter high lights.  Similar to our floors.  We thought it would fit well in our home.  When we built our home it was at the end of the light wood era and I with my lack of forsight to see what trends were coming did the light wood cabinets and wood work in my home.   I have been paying for it ever since. The cabinets are very nice and expensive.  They aren't going anywhere for sometime.   I have tried to introduce some darker tones in my house  with the new floors but I have no idea if that is even acceptable in the design world.

When our unit arrived it appears quite a bit darker than the model.  I asked about it and they said that sometimes the stain varies but it only comes in that color.  I know lighting, paint color (or lack of in my house), and other variables affect the tones.  So here it is in my living room.  I really like it but question if it goes with anything.  I don't want random pieces that aren't cohesive.  Of course Peter is out of town and not here to give an opinion.   There are plans to paint same color as down stairs for those who have been in my home.   I have 1 day to decide if I want to return it and keep looking.  It seems really dark and its three tones of wood in my house.  It doesn't seem to fit.  That is my inclination.  But, I will put it out there for those who are actually good at decorating to guide me in my decision.  Please leave a comment and give your advice.  I really need it.  I NEED it.

In the picture you can see the unit, my floors, and the rail.  The cabinets are the same color as the rail on the opposite side of the room.  Front door closed on first, open on second. 

Transformation

I had an experience on Sunday.  I have been debating whether to write it down for two reasons.  One, I'm not sure that I have the ability to express it in words, and two, its very personal.  I guess I decided to try and express my experience because it changed my view, a new lens so to speak.  I also thought that although a personal moment for me, its probably something that happens to many in one way or another. 

I was sitting in our Sacrament service at church with the kids.  Peter sits on the stand because he is part of the bishopric or leadership of the congregation.  On this day there was a new baby being blessed.  I watched as this new young father carried his little girl forward.  Those that had been invited by the family to gather round her for the blessing were coming as well.  There was a large group and I wondered if they would all be able to fit.  I bowed my head as the blessing began.  This young father was nervous and stumbled with his words.  It made me glance up at the group for a moment.  I saw a man standing just outside the circle gathered around her.  He had been asked to be there but not a family member or friend.  He had one arm on the shoulder of the stranger next to him, and the other reaching in to support the baby.  He had stood back a bit to make room for the family members of the baby.  His eyes were closed in prayer.  The expression on his face was humble, faithful.  His stature was at ease yet something about him commanded my attention.

It caught my breath and I was instantly overwhelmed with....emotion.

There stood a man that seemed a stranger, yet my partner of 20 years.  A man of faith, a servant, with a confidence and depth about him that I had not seen before.  I know him better than any other, and maybe that is why I hadn't observed it before.  There was a change that I had missed.  It must have happened slowly a little at a time, a transformation.  There was a glow about him that I will never forget, almost like a window from heaven had opened up and poured out blessings, knowledge, and light upon him.  I now see him in that new light, with a different lens, as a spouse, a father, and a shepherd. 

Spring...?

According to the calendar its Spring.  Someone forgot to tell mother nature.  Nonetheless, springtime activities go on.  I've had a lot to say lately so I'll post pictures instead.  Enjoy.

 The boys had a great piano recital.  We were so proud of them.

Patiently waiting for the Easter egg hunt to begin at the Midway Manor.

Go!

Easter Morning

This was a rough day for me.  I fell down the stairs. When you are old like me, you don't recover quite as quickly from a tumble down the stairs.  My back and shoulder were very sore and I reached up to get something out of the cupboard and the cocoa fell out. When it hit the counter the lid popped off.  How lucky was I that Peter was there to capture me in my PJ's with no makeup and cocoa tan on one half of my body.  Cocoa powder is hard to clean off walls, floors, counters, clothing, and people.

I emptied the room, oh yes, I did.

So life with my 7 year old has been a bit of a struggle this year.  I've mentioned before how much I love her drive and independence.  Well it can also work against her.  You see she has decided to go the path of greatest resistance in all things but especially getting up and getting ready in the morning.  Every day its a fight, tantrum, crying, and mad rush not to be late on her part. Most  Every day, she doesn't get breakfast, comb her hair, or get her teeth brushed before school. She is putting shoes and socks on in the car, and sometimes her clothes.  There has also been a lot of talk back to mom and dad.  A month or so ago I told her I would clear out her room if she pushed it past my breaking point.  Well today she did. I even gave her a warning which she chose not to heed.

So the clear out began.  It actually doubled as Spring cleaning but I won't let her in on that.  We got some packing boxes and started loading books, toys, stuffed animals, art work from the walls, notebooks, and well anything else left in the room.  The crying was exceedingly great. I am the MEANEST mom in the WORLD.  I debated the furniture.  Initially I had planned to take it too, but to be honest, I was tired and did not have anywhere to put it. I rationalized that since she helped me pack up some of it I would leave it for now. She also volunteered to vacuum so she got the choice between earning her pillow or her blankie for being cooperative.  She chose the blankie. I also gave her an ultimatum on the clothing.  For now its in her drawers.  She has two days to demonstrate an effort to get up and get ready in the morning before a certain time.  If she chooses not to cooperate then she will lose those too.  She gets really upset if I chose her clothing so this is big.  If she loses her clothes I will set an outfit out in the morning (of my choosing) and she needs to get upstairs in time to get ready.  If she doesn't then she goes to school in her PJ's. She can earn back one thing at a time as she shows she is willing to follow the rules each day. 

Am I the meanest mom in the world?  I know it seems really strict but nothing, I mean NOTHING has motivated her.  And I figure if we don't break this cycle now it will just get worse.  I would love some feedback or suggestions if you have had some success with this type of stuff. 

On the bright side, her room has never been so clean :)

Skittles and Snow

I had to work today and when I got home I had the need to empty my bladder.  I went in and closed the door and within 10 seconds I hear "Mom?"  Rather annoyed I say "what!"  (in my head asking myself the question that I ask myself every time I enter the bathroom.  Why can't I pee in peace?  Why does the sound of the bathroom door closing summon all the children to my room).  So I hear in a sweet voice "Mom, would you like a skittle?  In a more humbled tone "No thank you sweetheart, but thank you for asking".  I'll take the little victory of sharing even if its under the bathroom door.

The back is a hot mess today.  So shortly after that came the muscle relaxer and pain med cocktail.  I rested and watched out my window as the sleet turned to snow, then heavy snow, falling fast and furious.  It was a beautiful sight.  Far away were thoughts that its almost mid-April, Spring Break, and clean up.  I just relaxed and watched, mesmerized by the rhythm of the flakes falling down.  Sometimes its nice to be forced to stop, relax (with a little help), and take in the beauty that is around us.  Here's to hoping this high lasts a little longer.

Something on my mind

There has been something on my mind of late.  I don't know why its coming back now, but its there lurking in my head, mostly at night when I'm trying to go to sleep.  Its an experience I had years ago.  I learned some very valuable lessons and often wish I had responded differently then.

I was still pretty young, only a few years into my career.  But having success in my field.  We were living in Boston.  I had worked at several different medical centers including Mass Eye and Ear, New England Medical Center, and ended up at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center.  The group of people I worked with were nothing less than fantastic.  I learned from these professionals, I soaked up every opportunity I could to improve, and I was lucky.  Here I was this young lady from the West with little life experience, living it up in Boston.  Although my career was going well, I always kept an eye on positions back home.  They were few and far between and I knew that one day we would probably want to be closer to family. 

I had just had my first child and was on maternity leave.  I had sent off an application a few weeks earlier for an academic position at the U.  It was a whim and I never expected to hear from them.  But I got a call and they had listed me in their top 3 and wanted to fly me out for an interview.  My first thought was, Yes!  a free trip home.  But then, I also imagined myself working there and what my future might look like.  It would be wonderful to have my son growing up around his extended family.  I could use a little of that too.

The Dept Chair arranged to meet me at a small breakfast/coffee house near the campus.  It was the first of many interviews that day with key department members.  As I walked in and found myself in a little book lounge area with books that had topics focussing lifestyles, very different from my own.  The Dept. Chair came over and introduced herself to me and we had light conversation before sitting down to eat.  She asked about a variety of things, interests, work experiences, etc... then out of the blue she looked at me and gestured over to the book area and asked what I thought about the place we were eating in.  I was honest and said it was very good food, fun atmosphere.  She questioned again wanting more detail.  So I said, Its a nice place, highlighting an alternative side of the state.  She smiled and seemed satisfied with that response.    I left a bit perplexed but undeterred to do well the rest of the day.

My next interview was with another faculty member who had been there only a year.  She started out our conversation asking if I had grown up in the State.  I replied yes, and she said something to the effect of well then you understand the culture here?  I hesitantly said, yes.  She then went on discussing her thoughts of living in this state, things I would have to watch out for, etc.  I think she asked me about my professional experiences, but it was secondary to her main focus of discussion.  Ultimately, she implied that she figured I was of the dominant religion and that the University was not from that school of thought and would that be a problem?  I treaded lightly here and indicated that I was familiar with the University and thought I could fit in well.  I walked away wondering if that were really the case.

My third interview was a slap in the face.  I was told to sit, asked a few questions about my professional goals, and then the tone shifted.  This professor sat forward, looked me in the eye, and said some things that made my jaw want to drop.  He said that he knew that I grew up in the area, and then said, I'm not supposed to ask you what religion you are, so I am going to assume that you are a member of the church.  I know that in that church women are told and taught to be subservient to men.  This department has several men in it.  Are you going to act subservient to them?  He then said a few more things about his feelings about the LDS faith. His words stung me.  I could feel the anger starting to build.  I remained calm and said that I didn't know what he was talking about.  Never in MY life had I been taught to be subserviant to men or women or anyone.  I told him that I thought my mother was one of the greatest women I had ever known and that she taught her children to be strong, independent people.  He sat back, grunted, and eyed me for a bit.  He then thanked me and reached out to shake my hand.  Numb now, I returned the gesture and walked out.  I hate that I did that.

In disbelief I entered my last interview.  Interestingly he didn't mention one word about my religion, where I grew up, or my views on the aformentioned.  He asked me about my career path, goals, probed for thoughts about what my views were on methods of teaching.  Unfortunately, at that point, I didn't want to be employed there anymore, my mind realing, my words jumbled.  Later, I found out that he was the only member on the faculty that WAS a member of the church that came up so frequently.  The only one who remained professional and didn't care what my religion was.

I couldn't wait to leave.  I was speechless.  And then, I buried it away.

Years later, I think of the things I should have done.  I should have picked up the phone on that mans desk and called HR right then and reported him.  I should have contacted an attorney.  I should have not have had to defend myself in that mannor.  I should have walked away from the first moment I felt uncomfortable.  I should have told them what I felt inside.  I should have said it with ferver and intensity that left no question as to who I was and what I belived.  I learned what it feels like to be discriminated against.  There have been many encounters, comments, and conversations about who I am.  I have always tried to take them with perspective, to educate, and to show respect.  But this experience taught me. It taught me what hate feels like.  It taught me to be a strong, independent woman.

Catching Up

This is a busy time for us. We celebrate 5 birthdays in 8 weeks.  Three of those include kid parties.  So with that, throw in a midterm, a couple of school functions, basektball, piano, etc...  Life gets a little crazy.

Adam's hip hop recital and Birthday

 

Brenna's Birthday and Picasso painting for preschool

Erin's Birthday

One day, Brenna was feeling sad.  Peter told her she could play Angry Birds on his phone. 

When I passed by ten minutes later, this is what I found. 

Nearer My God To Thee

It was a rough day.  When a baby is born at 23 weeks premature, life itself is a miracle.  I believe these tiny babes are really living somewhere between here and heaven.  Its hard to keep perspective when you see a tiny baby in this state, when you know her mother, when you know more than you should because you have seen it before and you know the odds.  When a little tiny babe returns to heaven you try to understand, think of the right thing to say, or not to say, to only hope her mother feels the love and prayers offered in her behalf.
This was what was on my mind when I came home from work today.  This is what I saw when I pulled into my drive way.  There are moments when you know the spirit is with you and you feel closer to God.  I wish I could describe what I felt, but I think maybe this sunset was for a friend, to help her feel closer to her little one, maybe a welcome home.

Creepy Feeling

I know I haven't blogged much...I'm in that phase of 3 kid birthdays in 4 weeks.   So when that passes I will post something more.  But for today, I hate feeling creepy and that is the title of this.  Back story, I went to get Brenna from preschool, came home and we were in the kitchen.  Brenna says to me.  I saw something come out of your room.  Maybe Erin is home sick.  I look down the hall and nothing.  I pick up my keys and purse and whisper to Brenna to go get in the car.  We high tail it out to the garage.  I pull out of the driveway and stop in front of my house.  Think...I glanced at the doors on the way out. All were locked.  I pull over lock the car and walk around the side.  Of course there are a single pair of tracks in the snow that lead from my back door to the playset, over to the back of the fence and then back to my door.  Crap.  I get back in my car.  I think... my neighbor works with the sheriffs dept, thats a possibility, do I call 911 based on my 5 year old who thinks she saw something in the hall?  No movement at the house.  I pull out my cell phone... Its dead.  Nice.  I forgot to plug it in and its been having problems for the last day or so.  I wait.  I get out again, this time I go into the back yard to investigate the tracks a bit closer.  Still unusual but note they are small with boot tread.  Kinda like Matthews size.  Okay, I decide to go in and check it out.  If someone had been in the house they have had plenty of time to leave from the back.  I lock Brenna in the Armada away from the house.  I go in and check every surface, closet, under beds (sigh, the reality of cleaning is now taking over the creepy), and decide no one is there.  We go back inside.  I plug in my phone and now I just feel creepy and depressed about what cleaning I need to do.  Ignorance is bliss.  I don't recommend viewing your home from the floor.

An Unsolicited Hug

I helped my 13 year old with some science this evening.  We laughed and talked.  He told me what classes he wants to take next year and why.  He talked about school and what he likes about it.  He talked about scouts and how close he is to advancing.  Then he left to get things ready for school in the morning.  10 minutes later he came in and put his arms around my shoulders from behind and hugged me, said I love you, and wished me goodnight.  I told him I loved him and how proud of him I was.  He went to bed.  I hope I get more of these moments during his teenage years.  Priceless.

Emerging

I have been holed up lately, stretching my brain to new limits.  The culprit is this book, one of three for my latest class.  I spent more hours studying for this class/final than my entire freshman year of college (no laughing those of you who may have been my roommate).  Okay maybe not, but its close.

Today I ventured online to see if my final had been graded and what the damage was.  I did just fine and my head fell into my hands and I cried.  Yup.  I did.  Thats how much stress this nice looking book has caused me for the past two months.  I am emerging from this place and have two weeks off to repair relationships with my loved ones,  clean my house, and clear my head until my next class starts.

Mom

Both of my parents have birthdays right around Christmas.  And this usually means that their birthdays get lumped into the mix or get celebrated early or late.  Today is my mom's birthday.  Happy Birthday Mom!

My mom is pretty cool.  I love to hear her talk about her life.  Its like any I've ever heard, full of  heartache and hope growing up.  At a young age she found herself caring for her mother who had MS, she had to drop out of college to support them.  She converted to the LDS faith I think at 19.  She met my dad when he was a missionary and moved to Utah to wait for him to return home.  She had 8 children and dedicated her life to us as we grew up.  She ran a wedding and catering business out of our home for many years during that time.  When we all grew up she went back to school and became a real estate agent, broker, opened her own company, and is amazingly successful in this horrible economy.  On top of this, she is spiritual, funny, energetic, and insightful.  She is a workaholic, and is driven more than anyone I know.  Sure, I wish there were times we could go to lunch or just hang out, but that drive to make her business grow is also one of my favorite things about her.

Sometimes I'm told that I am just like my mother. I take it as a compliment.  I can't think of anyone else that I would rather be like. This is one of my favorite pictures of her taken about 6 years ago.  I think it captures her spirit.