It was my job to be the runner...

Tonight we had a spontaneous discussion after our family prayer.  Peter and I both mentioned that we wanted the kids to pay particular attention to others this week.  To their siblings, friends, neighbors, and anyone that could use some service or a friend.  Peter mentioned that there might be some families or friends that may not have a lot of money for Christmas.  One of the kids asked what we could do about it.  We explained about our fast offering donation and how it might benefit someone who may need it, but also talked about how a kind word or act toward someone may also be a gift. 

This discussion brought me back to my own childhood.  I remember many years during the holidays of these same type of discussions in my own home.  Having my dad as the bishop or in the bishopric gave him and us an awareness of need in our neighborhood.  I remember planning 12 days of Christmas for families needing physical things and others needing other types of support.  I was often the "runner".  I was old enough to be given this assignment but young and fast enough to be successful at it.  As the runner, it was my job to quietly take the item to the door, ring the bell, and RUN!  I usually got to the next house but often jumped into a bush or behind a tree to wait as the person opened the door, discovered their gift, looked around, and then closed the door again. 

It was a unique perspective that I had.  I watched as kids came piling out of a door with excitement to see what was left on the porch.  I watched adults look down with surprise then delight.  This happened 11 more times per family each year.  After the 1st or 2nd night they would catch on and realize there was more to come.  Sometimes it was so exciting I wanted to jump out of the bush and partake in the joy they felt.  Sometimes I sat silent, as an adult or child would quietly say Thank You to the dark lawn.  Now I realize that being the runner was the opportunity I needed to experience humility, true service, and love.

A year or two ago, our kids were fighting...a lot.  I remember thinking to myself that they needed something to interrupt their habit of quarreling and think about others.  Since it was Christmas time, I wrote each of their names on a paper and asked them to draw a name.  They were then assigned to be a Secret Santa to that person for the entire month.  To my delight they loved this idea and started immediately.  They left notes on pillows expressing their love and complimenting each others talents.  They did random acts of service by making a bed or picking up toys.  They left a treat taped to a door or in a backpack.  And then, they gave them a gift on Christmas and revealed who they were.  Each year they ask with anticipation when we are going to draw names for our sibling secret Santa.    I love that they love to do this. 

Now that they are getting a little older, I think its time to expand outside of our family circle.  Maybe its time to give our kids the opportunity to be a runner.  Maybe there is a better way out there.  I would love to hear others experiences and suggestions on teaching kids to give, serve, and love others.

My single vote

The presidential election is here.  As Americans we have the right to vote our leadership of this country.  There are many around the world who do not.  I have voted in every election since I was old enough to do so.  Why...because I can.  I can have a say on what my future holds. 

I remember when I was in high school.  I ran for Student Body President.  Representatives from each class were sent to the gym to hear our platforms and then vote for those who would go on to the general election.  We had to have a certain amount of votes to continue on. Guess what happened.  A certain group of kids from the school had decided that they would volunteer as class representatives and vote their own friends in as candidates instead of voting for those running for the office on official terms.  They showed up and elected a new set of candidates.  The rest of us were left wondering what happened.  It was effective and strategic planning on their part.  This set of new candidates however, were not wanted by the rest of the student body.  Those of us who did not make the primary, banded together and started a write in campaign.  Our write in candidate won.   I wasn't an SBO, but at a young age I learned a very important lesson about the power of my single vote.  Your single vote.  Others single vote.  They add up and they make change happen.

I have heard many say they are sick of politics, campaign ads, and everything else associated with this election.  Me too. But I will vote.  Its time.  Go vote. 

Debate take away...

I fell asleep during the debate.  Bunch of Malarkey and CNN's undecided voter comment about Biden acting like a Buffoon in General are what linger in my head.  Personally neither did it for me tonight but Biden was really annoying in his behavior.  So I guess I give style points to Ryan. 

Not Enough

The other day I was driving down the road with my two girls in the back.  As we came up on an intersection I noticed a young woman with a sign.  It said something like "help me leave your city".  My 8 yr old read it outloud as we waited for the light to turn green.  I noticed that she had on a very full backpack.  She had on layers of worn clothes. On the ground next to her was another small bag and a violin.  It was the violin that made me read the sign then look at the girl holding it.  So young.  She was so young, maybe 18 or so.  The light turned and we started to drive and then that discontent that makes your heart ache.  I looked for a place to turn around.  I drove around the block.  Not sure what I was going to do.  I had two kids in the car.  She was on an island away from the sidewalk.  I prayed for a stop light.  I got it.  I stopped.  Then started to wave at her to come over...I grabbed my wallet and pulled out a dollar. No.  A five and rolled down the window.  She came over, I told her I noticed her violin.  She said she wished she could play me a song.  I said it was okay, and wished her luck.   She thanked me and I started to drive away as the light had turned and there was a line of cars behind me waiting to move. 

I drove away, and wished I could have asked her name, how and why she was there.  Where she was going, who she was.  Instead I connected because she played the violin.  She was going somewhere and her music was probably her solace.  The one posession she valued most. When I passed back through the intersection awhile later. She was gone.  We did something, but it feels like it was not enough.

Home-Fall

 

Today we took a ride to visit family and passed through a canyon with beautiful Fall leaves. The sun was just setting when we pulled into home. I love seeing the mountain behind our home full of Fall color.

 

One Year Older

I uploaded some pictures from the camera and these 1st day of school pictures were in the mix. This year I look at my kids and just cannot believe how much they have changed over the past year.

 

Boys and Boats

About a year ago Matthew and Peter came home from scouts and told me about a high adventure trip the Teachers group were planning.  I thought it sounded like a lot of fun.  They were building their boats from scratch.  Its a cross between a canoe and a kayak.  Its called a Canack or Kanak or something like that.  They got their instructions and over the past year they worked on their boats.  The cut and sanded the wood, glued and nailed, painted the frame, stretched the canvas, sealed and painted the canvas, installed seats and cup holders, and finally tested them to see if they were float worthy.  In August all of the boys, most of the fathers, leaders, and some adventure seekers, loaded up the boats and headed out.  They ended up floating 30 miles down the river over two days.  The caught raccoons at night and got sunburned during the day.  They ate good food and had a lot of fun.  I was so proud to see the end result.  There were times when we tired of working on boats all the time, but in the end, it was worth it.

The next level

My girls have taken dance for several years.  This past year the company they dance with did several competitions.  I ended up buying 5 costumes, paying for several competition fees, and being quite stressed with the unexpected expenses and time it took.  I voiced that maybe the dance company should create some Competition teams so that those who want to do them can, and those that don't can do a regular class.  With the expansion of dancers and a new studio this is exactly what the company ended up doing.  I thought great, my girls can still dance and have fun and not feel the financial and time stress we had felt that year.

So audition time came around.   The teacher gave the impression that she wanted my girls to be on the comp teams.  I didn't have them audition.  I signed them up for regular dance.  For my younger girl it was fine.  There were several other new girls in her new class.  She had a good time.  For my older girl its a different story.  I dropped her off at dance.  She was a minute or two early and the only one there.  She wasn't new so I left.  When I came to pick her up she was dancing with the comp team 2 years younger.  They practice at the same time.  There had only been a couple of people in her class so they had them join the other class.  The new teacher asked the owner why she hadn't made the comp team.  All of the girls she has danced with the past few years make up the comp team for her age.  All except her. The owner then started to tell me that she was so much better than the others in her regular class that day.  Then asked me if I would reconsider our decision.  Was it the money, was it the time?  I told her both, which is true. 

I had felt good about the direction we were going.  My daughter wanted to try violin this year and she is already in piano.  A regular dance class was already a lot.  I still have 3 other kids in activities too. I told her that she would have to choose dance or violin.  We both sat in the car and cried in the parking lot.  She comforted me as I apologized to her that she could not do all of the things she wanted to.  I feel like such a louse.  Am I holding her back?  Is it just pressure?  Does she really love it that much or is it about being with her friends?  I told her to take some time and think about what she wanted to do.  She is already telling me that she wants to do regular dance, but my gut tells me she is saying that because she is trying to show restraint.  This is good (she is maturing), but I feel so bad.  If she had had a full group of girls in her regular class I don't think this would have been an issue today.  But she doesn't want to dance with the little girls.  I may ask if there is an older regular class she can attend instead.  I don't know.  Does anyone else go through this stuff?  How do you handle it?

Mormon Musings

OK.  I'm back.  Had a hard time getting focused the past few months but with kids back in school I feel I have a few moments now and then to think.  I posted an article today on perceptions of Mormons in academics.  I blogged here about an experience I had while interviewing for an academic position.  The LDS church is getting a lot of exposure with Romney as the republican nomination.  Its been interesting to watch people in how they act, what they say.  This article reminded me of a time when I lived in Boston.  Peter was attending a Jewish liberal arts grad school, I was working at a Jewish affiliated hospital.  We had friends and colleagues that were Jewish, Catholic, Muslim, Episcopalian, Methodist, Hindu and Atheist.  It was a time that we cherished as we learned about other religions and other cultures different than our own.  It was also a time of growth for the LDS church in New England as a Temple had been announced to be build in Belmont just a few miles away from where we lived.  Of course we were thrilled with this but we quickly found out that there were many that were not. 

At the time, part of my work was with hearing aid fittings.  A major hearing aid manufacturer had their northeast facility in the Greater Boston area.  We trained regularly with this company and used their products on a daily basis.  My colleagues and I had been invited to a workshop that included a luncheon with the company owners.  My boss was good friends with the managing director of the company and we were invited to sit with the big wigs at lunch.  Conversation was mostly work related in the beginning and everyone was enjoying themselves.  My boss asked the director how his family was and he replied that things were good at home except that his home was on the border of the property designated as the Mormon Temple site.  Then he talked about all things he couldn't stand about the Mormons and how they were going to ruin the value of his property.  I saw my boss get nervous as the conversation turned.  He tried repeatedly to change the subject but this man had plenty to say.  My boss then tried to engage me in a personal conversation so that I would be distracted by what was being said at the table.  I politely said that I wanted to hear what this man had to say.  I tried to give my boss reassurance with my expression that it would be okay.  I then mentioned that I had heard that property values located next to Mormon temples significantly increased due to the beauty of the building and grounds.  He brushed that off.   Eventually the conversation changed again much to the relief of my boss.  I have to say I had the best co-workers ever and those that knew what had happened gave me looks of apology.  It was okay.  I was okay.  I understood the concerns this man had.  But I also knew that he would be surprised by the beauty and peaceful nature of the temple grounds in years to come.

As the church started plans for the temple, opposition started to rise in the community.  So much opposition that they started to schedule regular community meetings to answer questions and hear concerns from the public.  Peter and I decided to check out one of these meetings.  We were overwhelmed at the numbers of people who showed up and the vehemence in which they spoke.  The meeting we attended lasted hours.  People lined up behind the microphone to object to the size of the building, the lighting, the angle of the shadow of the steeple, you name it and it was discussed.  Eventually the church agreed to reduce the size of the building, to turn the lights down at a certain time, and to angle the building so that the shadow of the steeple would cast over the highway.  These were just a few of the accommodations made to appease the community.  It was a hard day as I found out what others thought about me.

Why did I tell these two experiences?  Because I learned something from them.  I learned that people are afraid of the unknown or unfamiliar.  Its human nature to be wary, defensive, narrow minded, and protective of the things that are important to us.  With this new exposure and the possibility of  a Mormon President, we have an opportunity to educate, to set an example, to open the minds and hearts of those who may be ready to put up a wall of ignorance.  It is not productive to be defensive.  It is productive to live by example, have open dialogue, be loving, and accepting of others who may be afraid, or not know what Mormons are all about.  Our Savior was the ultimate example of how to treat others and if we claim to want to be like him, then we should do just that.

uninspired rambling

I have plenty of things to post about, trip to bear lake, cousin camp, family reunions, etc... But really just feeling uninspired.  I just dread that feeling of empty... even though your life is full.  Its a bit of an oxymoron in a way.  I feel like I'm waiting, but not sure what I am waiting for.  On the other hand, I have to ask my self what have I done lately to feel inspired?  Not much.  Time to pull up the boot straps.

Our Summer Trip 2012

We were able to make it on our trip to Yellowstone a few weeks ago.  We go back every few years.  Its just one of those places that amazes you everytime you see it.  Its so unique. The boys liked the fact that it has the largest number of geysers in the world and that some of the mud pots were so acidic that it could eat your skin.  The wildlife didn't dissapoint.  Within 15 minutes of entering the park we said hello to this moose.   And of course, the bison all along the way.

 

My favorite parts of the park are the hot springs.  They may be smelly but they are so beautiful.

We had to give Erin some extra time. This first day she was still pretty sore. 

 Old Faithful is a crowd favorite, for me its just okay.

 

My second favorite area is the falls.

 Mammoth Hot Springs.  The main spring moves around from year to year.

After Yellowstone, we went to Lava Hot Springs.  It was so cold they closed the super fun outdoor pool.  We made the best of it.

This year we tried something new.  Instead of tenting it we rented a pop up trailer.  We still had the camping experience without having to sleep on the ground.  It also provided heat for the cold nights.

It's broken

Last week we got a call saying Erin had fallen from the monkey bars and broken her arm.  We rushed over and found our little girl trying to be brave.  I gently moved her arm to get an idea of how to splint it for a trip to the hospital.  Her arm above the elbow started to dangle and I immediately set it down.  Fortunately our neighbor (who is a family doc) arrived to see if he could help.  He had a wrist splint that he gently slid over the break which gave it just enough stability to get her to the car.  It was a long painful ride to the hospital.  When we arrived they left it in the splint and took x-rays.  Doc came in and said "It's badly broken, we are consulting with the ortho doc here to see if he feels he can repair it.  If not, she is going to Primary Children's".   They needed to splint it first though.  They quickly decided she would need to be put to sleep.  A team of people came in and got ready to put her out.  I moved back to give them access but I guess I didn't really know what to expect.  They gave her the medicine and in seconds she was out.  Two docs got her arm repositioned and started to splint it.  I watched as her oxygen levels started to drop.  Someone quickly pulled her head back and started to bag her to get oxygen to her lungs.  I started to panic a little at that point but by minute 4 she was starting to move and breathe and wake up.  Then, they felt for a pulse in her wrist.  Not there.  Ortho from the other hospital on the phone told them to splint it in whatever position they could maintain blood flow to her hand.  So they started to move her arm again.  Fortunately she was still fairly out of it.  They got a faint pulse and let the splint harden. 

The blood flow was a problem and sealed the deal to going to Primary's and on top of that she would be going by ambulance.   I was grateful at that point that the doctors recognized their abilities vs her injury.  They packed her up and off we went.  I think the hour ambulance ride was the hardest part of the whole thing.  There is nothing like watching your child in pain.  Two more doses of morphine later we were there.  Orthopedics had already been called in even though it was late at night.  Erin was really hurting and now it was her hand that was in the most pain.  There was no longer a pulse and her hand was not getting much blood flow.  She could not move her hand at all.  The doctors decided to give her another medicine to help relax her.  As soon as they injected in her IV she went out again.  Her oxygen dropped again and the nurse started to stimulate her chest to get her to take some breaths.  "She liked that medicine a little to much" said her nurse.  Finally she started to move a bit and wake up some.  They got her ready for surgery and just before she went in Dad arrived along with Grandma and Grandpa.  She got her second blessing that evening.  She was so happy to go to surgery so they would put her to sleep and relieve the pain.  They told us anywhere from an hour to five hours pending the need for vascular surgery.  Then we waited.

About an hour and a half later we got the call from the OR.  She did great.  Once the bones were pinned she started having good blood flow.  No need for vascular surgery.  We were so relieved.  When she came out the doctor told us that it could be anywhere from a few days to a few months before she had full movement of her hand.  An hour later she was moving all her fingers.  The docs were truly amazed at her immediate progress.  She was released the next day with full movement in her hand, a soft cast, and lots of pain meds.  Days later, she was doing so well, we were able to go on our planned vacation only a day late.

Even though it was just a broken arm, it was scary.  We feel so blessed to have such wonderful friends, family, and neighbors. They took care of Erin, prayed for her, brought her notes and goodies while recovering, and took care of our other children so we could be with her.  Thank you so much!  We hope we can be that kind of support when others are in need. 

Today Erin got her hard cast.  She chose lime green.  Its so bright that it blinded her in the parking lot.  We love our brave girl.

Her Thumb Fell Off

Does anyone else get interesting phone calls like this?

Hello?

Mom, My Barbie's thumb fell off?

Oh no, does she still have her fingers?

Yes, well, she still has her thumb too, its just not on her.

I will be home in a minute and then we will take a look.

OK, bye.

So when I walked in the door, Brenna says "Mom, I lost her thumb". 


I have not doubt that barbie will be just fine without her thumb.  Barbie is pretty amazing if you ask me.  Remember this post?

Sitting next to me

A few months ago I got up early to go to work.  It was cold outside.  I was driving toward work and memories of my Grandma suddenly filled my head.  She had MS and my only memories of her were at the nursing home.  She was really only able to move her head.  We went to visit her every Sunday afternoon.  I remembered her soft silky pajamas that she liked.  I remembered watching science fiction theater with her in her room.  I used to help her when she asked for a drink of water.  I would get her white cup with a bendy straw and place the straw between her lips so she could drink.  I remembered watching my mother and grandmother visit. 

Then as I drove, her presence seemed so strong that I actually turned my head to see if she was sitting in the passenger seat. I didn't see her there.  But I felt her there.  I have wondered since that day, if her presence was there in my car.  If so then why?  Was she just checking in on me or protecting me?  I kinda like the idea that maybe she was just spending time with me. 

Just in case you didn't know what to do in Yellowstone

I got an email from Peter today about an upcoming vacation.  It was a list (he likes those).  Okay more like an itinerary.  One of the days looked like this...

Day 2  Yellowstone

• View geysers and hot pots
• View wildlife

 I'm tearing up right now as I chuckle to myself.  Does anyone else find this funny? 

Growing boys...

When did these two boys grow up?

Restless

I'm in that place again.  Restless.  I have plenty of things to do.  Trust me there is plenty of housework, laundry, dishes, organizing that needs to be done.  It's not my forte.  I try each day to focus on one area and get it clean.  But a whole house type of job is overwhelming to me and I shut down. So while there is plenty around here to do,  I feel restless on the inside, in my brain.  School kept me preoccupied for a few years.  Working took over when that was done.  But things are now in a rhythm and that's when it sets in.  I guess I'm a syncopated kind a gal.  Just need something on the offbeat to break things up a bit.

I have been inspired lately by friends and family who have taken up photography.  Learning about the camera, its ability to take images, learning about lighting, about exposure, and capturing emotion.  Its on the bucket list.  I want to learn earlier than later.  Just need a camera, time, lessons, and I should be good to go right?  So maybe this next year I will start looking into this kind of challenge.  But to start I need some advice.  So, budding photographers, and well experience ones too, tell me what kind of camera to purchase.  I don't want to do this professionally, but everyday, for my own enjoyment.  But I want it to be nice, not a quick pocket type camera.  Oh, I would take any advice on Internet sites, community classes, etc... that might help.

A Dancing We Will Go..

The girls had a busy day of DANCING!  Mom lost count how many times she ran the stadium stairs in between dances to help with costume changes.  The girls had a great time and their groups either placed 1st or 2nd in each category.  Warning...picture overload.

Erin and Brenna in their group costumes.  Brenna's won overall best costume in the competition.

Brenna is sitting in the lift on the left side

Erin is the last on the right.

Before their "Football" show.  The entire company danced in this one with young girls as cheerleaders, middle school age as referee, and high school dancers were the football players.  It was a great performance!

Brenna was asked to perform with the boys class.  She had so much fun with the boys.  Uh oh...

Brenna is second to the right.

Ending pose- Brenna and her partner on the right.  The crowd loved this group.

Piano Recital

It's that time again.  This year Matthew played In Dreams from Lord of the Rings and Erin played Boogie Woogie Goose.  They did a great job.  This was Matthew's last piano recital.  He has decided to stop lessons.  I am sad because I know he could go far if he would commit to it.  He is thinking about guitar lessons.  That makes me happy, because at least he is still interested in pursuing some type of music.  This was Erin's first recital.  She did great.  I see talent.  I hope she continues to enjoy piano for a long time to come.

Immediate Impact x2

I am whispering...4 awesome days in a row people.  I think that maybe those peppers will end up rotting in my fridge and I will get to throw them away before a second use is needed.  I know it won't last, but the past 4 days have been a little slice of heaven in this house. 

On another note... I helped out in Sunbeams at church today (3-4 yrs) and one little girl looked at me very carefully and then in a full voice said....YOU ARE OLD!  YOU ARE A GRANDMA.  I said yes, I am old, no, I am not a grandma.  Then she ignored me for awhile.  Then she turned to me again and said YOU ARE REALLY OLD!   That's it... Botox here I come.  Sunbeams keepin it real.

Cruel or Effective Parenting

When my kids were little, saying shut up or calling names were not allowed.  As my kids have gotten older I find that these things are now creeping into our daily lives.  Not only do the kids use these words between each other, they have been turned my direction.  Still NOT okay.  I have tried taking away things, grounding, and assigning despised tasks.  It doesn't seem to be making much impact.  The talk back is getting much worse.  I get that as kids get older they feel the need to express themselves this way.  I want my kids to have good communication.  Thats just it...good communication.  Not bad mouthing whenever they feel the urge.  So, after a discussion with my mom she reminded me of a time when hot peppers were an effective way of getting her kids to keep their mouths in check.  I was older and didn't have the opportunity to partake in such methods.  But I have to admit, it sounded pretty good.  I weighed my options.  Decided I probably could sway a judge if ever hauled to court for cruel and unusual punishment.  Went to the store and purchased peppers.  Some mildly hot ones and some really hot ones.  This week I tried it and guess what?  It worked pretty well.  After a warning that was ignored, I cut off part of a mild hot pepper and made the child chew for a few seconds and then gave the option to swallow or spit.  I heard about 10 minutes of loud crying/yelling complaint.  I'm a horrible mother who tortures her children. Then silence. Other children observing from their rooms...they now know I am serious.  So, cruel or effective parenting?  Go ahead, I can take it.  I really want to know if I have crossed the line.

Well, there it is. Age.

Once again, I was asked if I was spending the day with my granddaughter by a store associate trying to get me to sign up for a credit card.  "No, my daughter", I said.  "Well, she will keep you young".  I walked away thinking obviously your theory is flawed and not working in my case.  OK, I did look at myself, and I am a little older than most parents of a 6 year old (she is my baby). I was wearing clothes a few years old, my hair air dried, and my crunchy granola shoes on.  In my defense, I did have makeup on.  But lets face it.  When you are asked by 3 different strangers over a 16 month period about your grand kids.  You look old.

I own my age.  It is what it is and I am okay with it.  We got a late start with kids (late 20's) due to some fertility issues.  Then a few more years of delay due to Peter's health.  But we wrapped things up in my mid-late 30's.  I didn't know that I would be asked repeatedly if my kids were my grand kids.  Now  I know why women consider plastic surgery.  If I could afford it, I probably would jump on board right about now.  Just about every part of me sags.  TMI I know.  Well, there it is.  Age.  We have been friends all my life, but I kind feel like my friend is turning on me now. 

Erin's Baptism Day

Saturday was a special day.  Here is my Erin ready for her baptism.  She is growing up so fast and becoming a beautiful young lady.

Too aggressive?

I was at a dance competition most of the day.  In between dances, I was in the dressing room with some other mom's and kids.  I was standing by two women and noticed them bend down to check on one of their girls who was coughing?  I heard the mom say to her 2-3 yr old "are you choking'?  She coughed a few more times then stopped.  Her mom asked her friend "should we do the Heimlich".  By then I had the girl upside down giving her a few shakes hoping gravity would help out.  Stood her up, no air, flipped her over again, pounded a few times on her back and set her back down.  She coughed and then cleared whatever was blocking her throat.  Then I looked up to see her mom and the friend looking at me with maybe horror on their faces.  I apologized for just jumping in.  She offered thanks and went to care for her little one.  Then they kind of avoided me the rest of the day.  Our girls dance together and we chit chat fairly often.  I felt like maybe I was too aggressive.  I don't know.  I feel bad that maybe they thought I did something I should not have done.  She may have cleared it on her own.   I know I shouldn't let it bother me because I feel I did the right thing. But it does.

Things I learn on the ride home

The daily drive home from picking up my son from Jr. High is at times highly entertaining.  Here is what I learned today.

There is an underground soda ring, that is not really underground.  Soda is banned from the vending machines, but readily available from any given locker.  And, its only 50 cents.

My son announced that he has a six pack.  Well actually its a four and a half pack.  He showed it to me once he found the right lighting in the room. 

Stay tuned for more ride home updates....

Good parent vs Cool parent. Can they be one in the same?

My oldest is in a play at the Jr. High.  They have rehearsal everyday after school.  Today while I was running around town I got a call and it goes something like this...

Mom, we are super hungry. We need some food.

What? I'm really busy.

Can you bring us Arby's curly fries?  (sounding annoyed)

No.  I'm not your on call delivery person.  I have to run to the post office and then pick up Brenna from Dance.  Besides the nearest Arby's is far away.   Why would you think I would drop everything and bring you food at school? And...it bugs me that you seem annoyed that I happened to be busy.

Sigh...no just wondering if you would.

Sorry.  bye.

Then I drove for a minute.  Pondering the audacity of my 14 yr old and his call for food.  Then I thought about when I was 14 and the super cool ideas I had at the time that most certainly involved a parent to make it happen.  Then I thought about the fact that he is a good kid and that I ride him pretty hard to maintain good grades.  Then I thought about how cool it was to have a mom that did that kind of stuff for me.  Then I thought about the kind of mom I wanted to be.  Did I want to be the mom who was stuffy and stiff all the time.  You know, the kind that your kid can't wait to get away from.  Or did I want to be the kind of mom that might go out of her way a bit to bring a snack over to a hungry kid and his friends at play practice. 

I pulled into the nearest gas station, loaded up a bag of munchers, and headed toward the school.  I called and told him I wasn't going out of my way to Arby's but I did pick up something and would meet him at the door in 5 minutes.  His response.. Yes!  Sweet!  thanks mom.

Skiing Nerds

We finally got a chance to get some skiing in this season.  The boys and their cousins after hanging out on the slopes. Sorry about the quality (a picture of a picture).

 Nerd day was a great success. Love my creative nerd boy.

You signed up for it...yes, I did, but it doesn't mean I always love it.

Okay Moms or maybe the stay at home dad, you might relate to this one.  I have had a crushing headache along with shooting ear pain and a come and go mild fever for days.  Yesterday, I sat hunched over with chills, holding my head, and decided it was enough.  Time to see if I could get some relief.  Took myself to the instacare.  Doc said everything looks fine.  I wanted to yell at him to look at my brain! But yelling would have made my headache worse.  So I drove home in tears.  I made the kids some dinner then layed down for a few hours.  MISTAKE...  I know moms its tempting to take care of yourself once in a while, but don't do it.  You will pay for it.

So this morning I pulled myself out of bed.  Ear still hurting (no infection).  Headache a little better (little prayer of Thanks)  and started getting my kids ready.  Then I came to the realization  that not one of them did their homework while I was "taking care of myself".  Not one of them.  Two of my kids are leaving for a trip tomorrow.  Not only did they not do their homework due today, they didn't do any of the work they needed to turn in early.  Today my house is a mess, I have loads of laundry to do, I have a kid doctor appointment, dance, school early out, kids homework, pack the boys, etc etc.  What I would like to do is go to bed.  I know some of you out there are saying it... push through it like always, make it happen, you can do it.  I know, I will. I learned my lesson. If you are saying "you signed up for it".  Yes, I did, but it doesn't mean I always love it. 

Had one of those reality checks in the middle of a WW meeting.

Had one of those reality checks in the middle of a WW meeting.  Sitting there, not so happy that this week I only lost .2 lbs.  Irritated that my little sis is a life timer and wanting to lose more.  I sat there thinking about why she is able to do it.  It seems so easy for her, and she looks fantastic.  Discipline.
Blob. That's what I feel, look, and act like. 

I had a rocky start in higher education.  It took me until my Jr. year in college for things to click.  I eventually mastered discipline with my studies.  I achieved goals I never would have set for myself before then.  So why is this stupid vice so stinking hard to get a hold of?  I can tell you what is good for my body and what isn't.  I can recite healthy tips out my you know what, but talking about it and dong it are two very different things. I can BS with the best of em.  Sorry for the expletive but lets call a spade a spade. 

So self discipline is discordant for me.  While I have been able to achieve it in one aspect of my life, it really is a principle I struggle with.  I would classify myself in the non-conforming category.  This may seem an unlikely choice for those who know that I am LDS and live a very disciplined religious lifestyle.  So maybe within those guidelines, I challenge myself to think broadly.

I remember as a little girl wanting to conform to what was popular or in style. There was that thing inside that pulled all the time to be a little different.  I grew up in the 80's with pop music and big hair.  All the girls wore pumps to school.  We dressed up for school.  I however, really loved Converse shoes.  Back then they only made them for boys/men.  So I figured out my size in boys, and wore them anyway.  I still had big hair, tight jeans, shrugs with shoulder pads, I just eliminated the pumps and went with the converse.  All white, converse.   What I didn't know was that struggle to conform then would be a lifelong struggle in many aspects of my life.

Weight loss is all about self discipline.  In order to lose weight you must conform your habits to whatever your chosen plan is.  Without a plan it will not work.  Making the plan is easy.  Conforming your life, your every action, to that plan is difficult.  I hate it.  I hate every aspect of it.  But I want to look, feel, and act differently than I do now.  I'm hoping the reality check I had in my WW meeting today will help me realize that sometimes conforming to the outlined program will indeed get me to my goal.  I have to trust it.  More importantly I have to live it.  ugh

On love

Love.  Its another topic that's been rumbling around in my head lately.  I've been struggling with this topic my whole life.  Not feeling love, but expressing love.  I don't know why.  All I know is my lack of skill in this area can have an impact on those around me.  Its something that I have to practice at times when my instinct is to pull away.

I've grown up surrounded by love.  From childhood to now.  I have great examples around me.  But there are many times I come up short.  Especially with my spouse and kids.  Thank heavens my spouse makes up for my shortcomings.  What is Love anyway? To me its a feeling  you have that is evoked by another.  That feeling is varied but usually includes unconditional acceptance, joy, warmth, security, and more.   Its forms are countless: physical, verbal, written, and sometimes just a look or smile can convey love.  I think where I struggle most is with physical expression of love.  Mostly when I'm frustrated or upset.  Children can do things that make us frustrated or upset but it doesn't change our love for them.  The question is, how do I make them feel loved when I am frustrated or even angry with their actions? 

I really need to figure this one out soon.  When kids are little its easy to feel frustration and then set it aside.  Children act on impulse and we know that they cannot always control the things they do or say.  But when they get older, they understand the difference between right and wrong, they understand words are hurtful.  But maybe impulse control is still hard to come by.  I know, I still struggle with this.  I have a quick temper.  Only problem is that I am the mom now.  My response is the one that determines the outcome. 

I remember something my dad did when I was growing up.  My dad too, had a quick temper at times.  He would get upset and I would be so mad at him.  He did something though that helped me understand the feelings in his heart.  He would always come to me later and tell me how much he loved me.  When we were both calm.  So, I do this too.  I might lose my temper and throw my own tantrum but I always regret my actions.  When things are calm again, I express my love, and apologize for my behavior.  Its not easy as a parent to go into a child's room when they are angry or sad and quietly express love.  I make myself do it because they need to know how I really feel.  I just wish I could skip the whole tantrum part in the middle.

Some things I want to work on:  using a touch or embrace more often to express my feelings, forgiveness, service to my own family, more verbal expressions of love.

What do you do to express love when you just don't feel like it?  I'm open to learning some new things.

A bit about In-Laws

Lately I've been thinking a bit about in-laws.  Peter's parents have been serving a mission in Sweden.  This is their second church mission there.  They are coming home next week and we are so excited to see them again.  With their return so close, I have been reflecting a bit on our 20 year history together. 

I'm going to let some of you in on a little secret.  I probably was not the girl my father and mother in law would have liked their first born son to marry.  Why, you might ask?  Bull in a china shop.

Peter and I were close friends for a long time before we dated and it took a lot of convincing to get me to look at our relationship with new perspective.  My family had dubbed me with the title "ice queen" due to my lack of enthusiasm with dating at the time.  Really, I just hated the games.  It was refreshing to have a man become my closest friend and not have to worry about the "relationship part".  Well, that worked for awhile.  And then it didn't.  And so we tried to move on.  I know his parents probably counseled him to move on too.  I was stuck.  So he did, and well I was a tad jealous of his new jail bait and that's all it took to melt some ice.  I'm sure his parents were wondering why/how I was working my way back onto the scene again.  But I did.

Bull in a china shop.  It's the perfect description of how I felt the first few times I met his mom.  They lived out of state so we actually only met just a few times before we got married.  My first impression of my mother-in-law was how quiet and proper she was.  I was not.  I was outspoken and raucous.  I'm sure our first few visits were jarring for them.  My sarcasm sort of hung in the air at times.  They were gracious.  I started to worry if I would ever be able to fit into this new family. 

The first five or so years of marriage we only saw them once or twice a year.  Peter and I had moved across the country and so I did OK during those few weeks a year that we spent significant time with our families.  Then his parents retired and moved out west.  We finished school and moved back too. 

New dilemma.  How to contain my mouth.  I think one of the things Peter liked about me was my outgoing personality.  I think the reality of that started to sink in once we all were spending quality time with each other.  My father-in-law taught political science for years.  Debating theoretical position is second nature.  In the middle of a conversation he might throw in a debatable statement that would stop me short.  It was like an itch that had to be scratched.  Peter would glance at me sideways... let it go... but I just couldn't.  I had to voice my opinion and Peter would start to slowly sink down...yeah.  So lets just say there have been many times during those years we loaded up the car after spending time with my in-laws and I was assessing the damage I may have caused as we pulled down the driveway.   Something like this...

Well, that was a good visit
uh, huh
Did I say anything too obnoxious?
Just a few things...

or

Um honey, I think I might have upset your dad/mom...
Why, what did you say
Well, your dad/mom did the raised eyebrow fake smile thing when I said this...
great.

Until one day.  We were visiting and having a lively discussion about something and I thought I had pushed it too far.  I found myself apart from the main room and my mother-in-law came up to me and said something to me that changed everything.  I can't quite remember exactly but she quietly said "I've wanted to say that and I'm so glad you did".  She smiled at me and I knew that she loved me despite my many flaws.  She understood.  I was analyzing every irreverent thing I had said for years. Yet all along they had accepted me for who I was and even loved me for it too.

So I had a new perspective on my in-laws.  I even found that I might be a lot like my father-in-law.  We both like to stir the pot to liven up the discussion.  Even if its not on purpose.  So some of those debatable statements were just that.  I took the bait,  hook, line, and sinker.  Still do, but its fun now because we love each other even if we agree to disagree.   

Now I look back over the years and see the relationships how they have grown as I have matured.  I see how patient and loving my in-laws were with my lack of impulse control at times.  I've watched my father-in-law teach, direct, and guide his children with love.  I've watched my mother-in-law nurture, accept, and guide her children with love.  I've even watched her throw a zinger into the conversation at times while my chest swelled with pride.  I miss them.  I'm so excited to pick up where we left off and see what else comes next. 

I guess this was a long winded way to say I'm lucky to have the in-laws I do.  So very lucky.

A lovely Miracle

Miracles do happen.  This is my Erin.  See I told you, here is that future 16 year old I talked about before...  Notice a few things, cute outfit (she picked out), beautiful hair (she let me curl), and a smile. 

She gave the best Christmas present under the tree.  About a week before Christmas a little paper box was placed under the tree.  This box is one you make out of folding paper.  She informed me that this was a gift to me from her.  On Christmas morning she carefully handed me the box and told me to open it.  Her gift was a beautiful simple note saying she would get up in the morning and get ready for school.  I read it and said "really?" she nodded yes and came over and gave me a big hug.  Guess what?  She has been ready for school every day with a smile.  It must have taken a lot for this little girl to make a complete turn around on her own. A priceless gift.  I love this kiddo.